“Things I’m Not Eating Anymore” is a photography project I hope will also serve as motivation to continue improving my overall health and eating habits. You can read the first post in this series that does a much better job of explaining all that, here.
In common vernacular, Cheetos always seemed to be the stand-in term for the lowest common denominator snack food that is associated with someone of limited motivation and even more limited attractiveness. If you needed a word to impart that someone was lazy, overweight, and generally unpleasant to be around, Cheetos were always there to lend a hand.
For example, if one wanted to paint an unflattering portrait of me, you could easily offer up “Brian said he would meet us at the gym, but he’s probably at home watching Judy Justice and munching on Cheetos,” and I think most people would get a clearer picture of just who yours truly really was. To be honest, you could probably distill that down to, “Brian? Oh, don’t bother. He’s a Cheeto-muncher,” and they would get the gist. That designation does seem unfair to Cheetos. Nobody drags Doritos or Fritos in quite the same way despite their similar nutritional and flavor profiles. But despite Cheetos perceived low stature in the snack food pantheon, unlike Judith Sheindlin, I’m not here to judge.
For the vast majority of my life I had no thoughts on Cheetos at all. They existed and they were… fine. I would even go so far as to say they were my least favorite Frito-Lay product by a wide margin (Except, of course, for their BBQ Potato Chips, which we can all agree are probably not made for human consumption and shouldn’t really count.) Unfortunately for my waistline, Frito-Lay decided to expand their line of crunchy corn extrusions on the heels of their successful launch of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. This expansion included a product called Crunchy Cheddar Jalapeño Cheetos.
Crunchy Cheddar Jalapeño Cheetos


No pun intended, but I am literally in the bag for anything jalapeño-flavored. Snyder’s Jalapeño Pretzel Pieces, yes please. Kettle Brand Jalapeño Potato Chips, don’t mind if I do. And these new Cheetos are no exception. Everything that was terrible about a normal Cheeto was now an asset. The crunch and over the top flavor when paired with spicy jalapeño pepper seasoning were now impossible to resist.
I’ve heard many people discuss a wide variety of things literally and metaphorically as a gateway drug and I could never wrap my head around what that meant. I do now. Crunchy Cheddar Jalapeño Cheetos are my gateway drug to every other kind of junk food and the transition happens almost instantaneously. Even a small indulgence of these little bastards crushes any kind of resistance my brain was offering up against an avalanche of junk food cravings.
Brian: “I really should stop after this bag.”
My Brain: “Yeah, but you blew your calorie count on these already and they tasted SO. DAMN. GOOD. I bet a pint of ice cream would taste just as delicious, if not better!”
Brian: “I really shouldn’t.”
My Brain: “C’mon buddy. Let’s not kid ourselves, we’re doing this.”
Brian: “The minute mart is only a two minute drive away…”
My Brain: “I’m already accessing short-term memory to locate your car keys.”
I really, really, shouldn’t eat these anymore, and I’m trying not to. But after some great gains in 2024 in regards to Cheetos abstinence (the phrase from this blog that is probably most likely to never have been uttered at any point in human history,) I’ve had some setbacks the past few months. But there’s no time like the present to lock back in. As Chester the Cheetah would say, “It’s not easy being cheesy.”
Amen my feline mascot brother, amen.

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